I'm sorry, dad.

"I'm sorry, dad."

These words couldn't come out from my mouth.

For being a stubborn little kid.

I myself didn't know why I was like this.

Of course, you told me to do the right things.

To solat,

To help you,

and everything that I shouldn't object of.

But I don't know. 

My head want to obey you, 

but my heart doesn't.

I'm sorry dad if it hurts you.

" Why are you so stucked up ?" you said.

It blows me through my chest,

and I started to guess you're mad at me because I'm stubborn.

Again, I'm sorry dad.

For everytime you said, 

" Awiy ? Dah solat ? Haaa solat solat."

I will just say 'hmm', or just ignore it.

It may looked like I didn't listen to you,

but you don't know, when you go down stairs, 

I'll take wudhu' and solat.

Just like you told me too.

But I didn't show it.

I don't know why either why I'm acting like this dad.

But know this,

I didn't mean to hurt you.

And I'm trying to be the best son you ever have.

And this one for you.

Pernah rasa ?

Do you ever have that feeling ?

Bila di waktu kecil,

beg berat bukan sarat dengan buku teks untuk belajar,

tetapi nasi lemak dibawa ke sekolah, untuk dijual, untuk mencari rezeki.

Tiap-tiap hari.

Bila meminta makanan sedikit dr kawan pada waktu rehat,

cukuplah untuk mengalas perut sampai habis sekolah.

kerana hendak menyimpan duit.

Bila tolong mak menjual aiskrim malaysia,

di depan sekolah sendiri,

di depan kawan-kawan sendiri.

Bayangkan perasaan malu itu.

Bila berniaga jajan dengan mak di depan sekolah,

lalu orang pandang enteng.

Kerana di mata mereka, kami dan peniaga lain menyemak sahaja di situ.

Tapi hakikatnya, kami hanya mencari rezeki.






Bila setiap Ramadhan menjelma,
kita akan membanting tulang,
Menggenggam setiap peluang di bazaar Ramadhan.
Bila mana tengok keluarga lain berbuka di rumah mereka, gembira,
kita hanya berbuka di gerai kita.

But I'm glad that if I actually was a help that time.

I don't want her to get through all this alone.

PERNAH RASA ?

It hurts.

GET YOUR SHITS TOGETHER MOM AND DAD.
PLEASE.
FOR ME.
FOR US.
FOR YOUR KIDS.

Coz everytime you fight,

saya rasa rumah tangga kita bergegar.
Like it's ready to crumble aparts.
It's suppose to be you and him against the world.
but if you two are not even in the same team,

HOW COULD WE FIGHT ALL THIS ?


 

Please,

 it hurts to see you two fights... 

Alter ego.

Everyone has it.

But me, it's exceptionally massive.

I'm sorry, mom and dad,

if I ever didn't listen to you.

But guess what , I'm a teenager.

These rebellious feeling flow in my blood for no reason.

" YOU DON'T RUN MY LIFE IT'S USELESS EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME WAS A LIE WHY SHOULD I EVEN LISTEN TO YOU WHEN YOURSELF IS NOT GOOD "

I just wanted to yell this .. but ..
that's just my hormones. talking.

I'm a teenager, dad.
Of course my ego rebels to you.
Pernah sekali terdetik hati ini nak menunaikan solat. 

nak ambil air sembahyang dah ni, 

tapi bila abah suruh je, all of sudden,

 i don't want to.

 Sampaikan begitu sekali.

Maybe I don't listen to you,
because you didn't listen to anyone else.
You didn't listen to mum,
you didn't listen to anyone in the family who gives you advice.
Maybe.


 

I guess it's bad parenting.
But guess what ?
You tried. And that's why I love you.
  

 

The unheard voice of mine.

Have it ever occured to you,

or passed through your mind, 

that I just wanted a normal life, like other kids , mom and dad ?

It's not fair.

I know that life is not fair,

but seeing other kids,

I tend to be jealous.

WHY ?

because,if they wanted anything,

they would ask their parents.

Me ? I have to work my ass off to get things that I want.

I still remember.

My first phone, K530i ,

I bought it. Myself. Using my duit raya.

And then I gave it you, mom.

No, I sold it to you.

and I felt bad.

Kenapa perlu aku berkira dengan mak aku sendiri ?

I worked my ass off at KFC to buy my Samsung Galaxy Fit. 

Then I bought my Blackberry.

Not to mention, I used my salary to buy my cheap-ass guitar too.  

My laptop?

Yeah I used all of my allowance that supposed to hold for 6 months doing my foundation.   

Other kids ?

They just ask their parents,

and they get an iPhone.

But not me. Not us.

We're different. Somehow.

We don't have that kind of money,

and we should act like it.

I'm not saying that you never done anything for me, mom and dad.

YOU DID EVERYTHING.

And you tried hard, as hard as you can.

Both of you.

 I still remember you borrowed a thousand ringgit from Achu, dad,

just for the fees to enrol me in MRSM TGB.

And also these money for me to buy books for the foundation.

And the money to keep my stomach full as long as I'm studying.

That's a lot of money.

TAPI JASANYA, MEMBAWA NILAI SEJUTA.

I know that somehow I can't repay you all of this.  

Thank you, mom and dad. I loved you.

But I still remember, 

almost every night in TGB,

most of my friend rushes to eat at cafeteria.

And there's me. Hungry.

But I kept the money.

Because I don't want to be a burden to you both.

Same goes in Puncak Alam.

I spent all my allowance to buy a laptop,

sampaikan diri ini terpaksa ikat perut.

I don't have the guts to ask money from you.

Sebab saya tahu,

kita ni orang susah.

And saya taknak lah susahkan lagi .

But somehow, i had to. And I'm sorry.

I'm tired of living like this.

Why can't we be like others ?

Happy, hidup tenang je.

Now that you lost your job dad,

it made it even worse ..

Somehow, I have to accept the fact that,

kita ni orang susah.

Tak letih ke struggle dalam hidup ni ?

Struggle nak dapatkan duit ?

Struggle untuk pastikan ada makanan bawah tudung saji dalam dapur kita ?

But I know, you both won't ever knew the meaning of giving up.

Because mom and dad, you have the heart of a steel.

I actually nak sangat pergi Mesir melalui Baitulmal.

Nak sangat.

But, it seems to be asking to much.

RM 20 ribu. Mana nak cekau duit ?

Your EPF, dad ?

yang abah simpan bertahun-tahun selama abah kerja?

yang sebenarnya untuk abah bila bersara nanti ?

No, that's too much.

Dahlah kita nak guna duit tu untuk beli rumah baru ..

If only we hadn't so much problem,

We don't need to face all this.

Takpayah pindah rumah baru.

Takpayah lagi hidup susah.

I'm tired.

And I'm starting to guess that Ayum pun dah malas nak layan semua ni.

I guess dia pun dah fed up.

All that I'm asking, is just a little gratitude.

Is it too much to ask ?

I know.

I'm such an ungrateful son.

Bodoh punya qawwiy. Bersyukur lah sikit.

Berterima kasih lah sikit.

But somehow, I'm tired of all this bullshit.

I've been thinking mom and dad,

If you couldn't live up to my expectation as parents,

then why should I live up yours ?
You can expect me to score straight A's,
to score at least 3.8 to do medic,
but I can't expect something from you two ?
  

I'm sorry if I kept screwing things up.

buat hal dekat TGB.

I didn't get straight A's.

I couldn't get scholarships.

I didn't get 4flat on my foundation.

I keep disappointing you,

but same goes the other way.

Would it hurts to buy me things I want when I tried the best that I can ? 

That gratitude, is the one that kept me going until now.

Until i realized it would never happen.

 And i have to get it myself.

Remember, dad ?

That you used to buy me toys every time you went back from work ?

Every evening, I waited for you to come back home,

And when I saw you, I ran to you happily.

And you would catch me, and in your hands,

there it is. Things that I want, a toy.

Why can't we live like before ? :'(

I'm sorry, for being so ungrateful.

Even though you didn't give me what I want,

You gave me everything I need.

And I couldn't say all of this to you.

You worked so hard.

And that's why I wrote it in this blog.

So this is my unheard voice. 

And I want it to stay unheard.

I don't want you to read this, mom and dad.

Because I love you.