59 - too young to feel old

I haven't been here for a long time.

And if you saw me here,

it means something's wrong.

I always lied to myself

how I can be happy

how something good will happen

time goes on

but it wouldn't wait for me

now 2 years past

and I haven't done anything big.

I don't know where to go.

I don't know what to do.

I'm wasting everything

I shouldn't exist.

Only one that I have, only one that I need.

You see,

I was the reason she stopped working in banks when I was born.

I was the reason we lived so hard afterwards.

Maybe even I was the reason we were hated.

And I'm trying to be the reason that carves the smile on your face.

The reason you shed your tears of happiness.

The reason you glad to have me.

And she is my mother.

Happy Mother's Day, 

Raja Bahyah Binti Raja Harun.

Heaven, and now down to Earth.

 Dear life,

was it something i did?

or am I born to this world just to be a pure disappointment.

And no matter how much I tried to ran away,

depression you were always there.

And I can't shake these overthinking out of my head.

I'm tired of thinking, 

tired of being stupid.

Allah's beautiful arrangement.

Have you ever been so mad when things won't work out your way ?

When you wanted the best thing to happen,

but not the best thing for you.

And it took me awhile.

After bitching and crying and complaining of life,

I began to realize.

Everything happens for a reason.

Allah had it all covered up in Luh Mahfuz, long time ago even since we're not born.

A perfect story, which will work out eventually.

We may see our road as twisted as hell.

but in the end, it'll bring us to something.

Something that'll make us happy.

 I used to think my life would be better if I haven't made any disciplinary case in TGB,

but I wouldn't be experiencing life.

 And I would be serious with my life. I will score in my trials. And maybe got a fast-track programme.

 And if that happen, I wouldn't have met someone I would love so much in my life.

I won't be able to work after spm with her.

And if that happen,

I wouldn't do a foundation and met my bestest friends here.

 I used to frowned to made a mistake of choosing uitm puncak alam instead of egypt.

But if I did go to egypt last year,

I wouldn't have make her fall in love with me.

I could've stopped trying.

And my parents EPF are meant to be out this year, which means

they have to struggle to find money to pay for the fees if I went to egypt last year.

And I'm glad as hell that didn't happened.

Everything that happened had brought me to you.

See, it's all beautiful, right ?   

Sometimes things happened are not the best for the situation,

but Allah knows, He prepared things that are the best for you to happen.  

         

When everything sucks.

When your body betrays you.


When your heart does nothing but depressed all the time,

When your mind fxcks you up all the time.

When your eyes sees what you don't want to see,

When your brain won't cooperate with you.

When your life isn't what it supposed to be.

CAN I JUST SLEEP FOREVER AND DISAPPEAR ?   

Ooops. Reality check.

And I'm at the critical point of my life again.

 I'm a total failure.

What can I do ?

I'm insecure.

My life is not secured.

Sometimes I just feel like I don't have any future at all.

 Life is just so hard when you're stupid.

I figured, I'm too dumb to try to get medical course in UPU.

But then, what if I go to Egypt and fail ?

What do I do ?

Shit.

What's going on with my life.

I don't know anymore.