59 - too young to feel old

I haven't been here for a long time.

And if you saw me here,

it means something's wrong.

I always lied to myself

how I can be happy

how something good will happen

time goes on

but it wouldn't wait for me

now 2 years past

and I haven't done anything big.

I don't know where to go.

I don't know what to do.

I'm wasting everything

I shouldn't exist.

Only one that I have, only one that I need.

You see,

I was the reason she stopped working in banks when I was born.

I was the reason we lived so hard afterwards.

Maybe even I was the reason we were hated.

And I'm trying to be the reason that carves the smile on your face.

The reason you shed your tears of happiness.

The reason you glad to have me.

And she is my mother.

Happy Mother's Day, 

Raja Bahyah Binti Raja Harun.

Heaven, and now down to Earth.

 Dear life,

was it something i did?

or am I born to this world just to be a pure disappointment.

And no matter how much I tried to ran away,

depression you were always there.

And I can't shake these overthinking out of my head.

I'm tired of thinking, 

tired of being stupid.

Allah's beautiful arrangement.

Have you ever been so mad when things won't work out your way ?

When you wanted the best thing to happen,

but not the best thing for you.

And it took me awhile.

After bitching and crying and complaining of life,

I began to realize.

Everything happens for a reason.

Allah had it all covered up in Luh Mahfuz, long time ago even since we're not born.

A perfect story, which will work out eventually.

We may see our road as twisted as hell.

but in the end, it'll bring us to something.

Something that'll make us happy.

 I used to think my life would be better if I haven't made any disciplinary case in TGB,

but I wouldn't be experiencing life.

 And I would be serious with my life. I will score in my trials. And maybe got a fast-track programme.

 And if that happen, I wouldn't have met someone I would love so much in my life.

I won't be able to work after spm with her.

And if that happen,

I wouldn't do a foundation and met my bestest friends here.

 I used to frowned to made a mistake of choosing uitm puncak alam instead of egypt.

But if I did go to egypt last year,

I wouldn't have make her fall in love with me.

I could've stopped trying.

And my parents EPF are meant to be out this year, which means

they have to struggle to find money to pay for the fees if I went to egypt last year.

And I'm glad as hell that didn't happened.

Everything that happened had brought me to you.

See, it's all beautiful, right ?   

Sometimes things happened are not the best for the situation,

but Allah knows, He prepared things that are the best for you to happen.  

         

When everything sucks.

When your body betrays you.


When your heart does nothing but depressed all the time,

When your mind fxcks you up all the time.

When your eyes sees what you don't want to see,

When your brain won't cooperate with you.

When your life isn't what it supposed to be.

CAN I JUST SLEEP FOREVER AND DISAPPEAR ?   

Ooops. Reality check.

And I'm at the critical point of my life again.

 I'm a total failure.

What can I do ?

I'm insecure.

My life is not secured.

Sometimes I just feel like I don't have any future at all.

 Life is just so hard when you're stupid.

I figured, I'm too dumb to try to get medical course in UPU.

But then, what if I go to Egypt and fail ?

What do I do ?

Shit.

What's going on with my life.

I don't know anymore.

         

Zero - zero.

If you're reading this,

 

I'm sorry. Truly sorry.

You know what they said that teenagers are stupid.

Well I was one of them.

And I promise not to be one anymore.

I just don't want anyone to be mad at anyone.

Holding grudges, that's ancient.

You know that teacher's bless is everything.

And that's all I'm asking.

Sorry.

 

Where's our sun, mum ?

One day my mom dm-ed me on facebook.

"Jangan fikirkan sangat betapa berat sesuatu masaalah itu. 

Selagi kita bersyukur dan redha, selagi itu hidup kita diberkati Allah.

 Jangan mengukur kesusahan melalui wang ringgit sahaja.

 Walau tampak miskin tapi bahagia, apa salahnya:-) 

We love you so much"

mom, do you realize what you just did to me?

I couldn't hold my tears back no more.

It was all just so hard seeing us like this.

I'm trying all i could to not be a burden to you.

And I du'a to Allah all the time,

so you would never ever have to feel like this anymore .

Even when I'm not happy, I still want happiness to be yours.

You've done too much, 

much more than I could ever repay.

not here, not in akhirah.

Just, hold my hands,

pull through this together.

You're all that I got in my darkest day,

and you are the ones I'll spend my brightest day with.

To, mom and dad.

The best feelings in the world.

To know someone you cared cared for you too.

To know when you love someone it doesn't go to waste, 

when you hug someone you love, and they hug you even tighter,

when you finally found a diamond, beneath all the sands.

when your hopes on that someone doesn't bring you down,

to think about them every night and morning, and they also did the same.

When you both keep texting till one of you fall asleep bcs no one wanted it to be ended,

 when seeing more of somebody else only make you want them even more,

love is beautiful, right ?

0.

      Sedih. Kosong. Terpinggir. Malang. Bila tengok mereka yang lain bergembira dengan hidup mereka. Happiness, now why can't I keep that? Orang lain hidup mereka jadi lebih baik. Ada yang merantau, ada yang cemerlang, aku? Masih jatuh lagi. Tidak berdaya nak bangun. Tidak sedar. Buta. Masih lena diulit mimpi. Bila mana ada terasa diri ini tidak layak dibandingkan dengan mereka. Teruk. Penat sudah menjadi kekecewaan ibu bapa. Semua yang diimpikan, sebaliknya itulah hidup aku. Jadi diri ini tidak akan berharap lagi.

One time I went out with my family,

you know, just some family stuffs.

Afet that my father went to KWSP.

And that's the time when I saw..

" Account 1 ..... Rm1004.00...

Account 2.... RM 148 000.00"

Approximately that amount lah.

I'm not a calculator btw.

"Wow that's a lot of money."

And in the way back home,

mother says " Awiy nak pergi belajar dekat Mesir ?"

.....I was stumped.

happy. sad. guilty. anxious. grateful.redeemed.

mixed of feelings, splashing out.

"Is that okay ? Isn't that the money that you want to use to buy a house mom ?"

 "Money can be made. if it's for education, then it's okay."

I never realized, that dream can really do come true.

Mom, dad, thanks for can making this happen.

And I don't mind if it doesn't,

I still love both of you.