Where's our sun, mum ?

One day my mom dm-ed me on facebook.

"Jangan fikirkan sangat betapa berat sesuatu masaalah itu. 

Selagi kita bersyukur dan redha, selagi itu hidup kita diberkati Allah.

 Jangan mengukur kesusahan melalui wang ringgit sahaja.

 Walau tampak miskin tapi bahagia, apa salahnya:-) 

We love you so much"

mom, do you realize what you just did to me?

I couldn't hold my tears back no more.

It was all just so hard seeing us like this.

I'm trying all i could to not be a burden to you.

And I du'a to Allah all the time,

so you would never ever have to feel like this anymore .

Even when I'm not happy, I still want happiness to be yours.

You've done too much, 

much more than I could ever repay.

not here, not in akhirah.

Just, hold my hands,

pull through this together.

You're all that I got in my darkest day,

and you are the ones I'll spend my brightest day with.

To, mom and dad.

The best feelings in the world.

To know someone you cared cared for you too.

To know when you love someone it doesn't go to waste, 

when you hug someone you love, and they hug you even tighter,

when you finally found a diamond, beneath all the sands.

when your hopes on that someone doesn't bring you down,

to think about them every night and morning, and they also did the same.

When you both keep texting till one of you fall asleep bcs no one wanted it to be ended,

 when seeing more of somebody else only make you want them even more,

love is beautiful, right ?

0.

      Sedih. Kosong. Terpinggir. Malang. Bila tengok mereka yang lain bergembira dengan hidup mereka. Happiness, now why can't I keep that? Orang lain hidup mereka jadi lebih baik. Ada yang merantau, ada yang cemerlang, aku? Masih jatuh lagi. Tidak berdaya nak bangun. Tidak sedar. Buta. Masih lena diulit mimpi. Bila mana ada terasa diri ini tidak layak dibandingkan dengan mereka. Teruk. Penat sudah menjadi kekecewaan ibu bapa. Semua yang diimpikan, sebaliknya itulah hidup aku. Jadi diri ini tidak akan berharap lagi.

One time I went out with my family,

you know, just some family stuffs.

Afet that my father went to KWSP.

And that's the time when I saw..

" Account 1 ..... Rm1004.00...

Account 2.... RM 148 000.00"

Approximately that amount lah.

I'm not a calculator btw.

"Wow that's a lot of money."

And in the way back home,

mother says " Awiy nak pergi belajar dekat Mesir ?"

.....I was stumped.

happy. sad. guilty. anxious. grateful.redeemed.

mixed of feelings, splashing out.

"Is that okay ? Isn't that the money that you want to use to buy a house mom ?"

 "Money can be made. if it's for education, then it's okay."

I never realized, that dream can really do come true.

Mom, dad, thanks for can making this happen.

And I don't mind if it doesn't,

I still love both of you.

               

Enough with words.

Page 4 of 365.

 I still remember that night.

31.12.2012.

How I wished I could change that time.

Turn a new leaf, open a new book.

11:59:59 PM.

tick... tock..

nothing's changed.

I'm still the old me.

And I'm still falling in this never-ending pit...    

 

Here's to the kid.

 Here's to the kid...

Whom everything around you never worked out,

Who tried everything but could never be better than anyone else,

who someone you love never loves you back,

who felt like shit in this world,

who tried everything, but it was never good enough,

who are tired of disappointing people, 

who just wanted to lead a good, happy life, but couldn't,

just remember.

TRY TO GRASP WORLD WITH OUR HAND,

YOU WILL NEVER SUCCEED.

BUT TRY TO PURSUE AKHIRAT AND SEARCH FOR ALLAH'S BLESS,

AKHIRAH AND DUNYA WILL COME FOR YOU.